The Empire Strikes Rick
by thebucketmaster
Summary: Rick and Morty do some crazy stuff on the Death Star, broh!


Rick and Morty ran down a metal hallway, the sound of many heavy footsteps approaching behind them was muffled by the loud alarms ringing in their ears. They turned into a large, spacious room with a bridge connecting two sides of the space ship, with two large metal pylons one above the other, one was covered with levers, and had a bright blue energy emitting between the pylons. Rick turned around pressed some buttons and shut the door behind them. He then opened the control panel next to the door, and worked the electronics inside of it, until he was sure the door would stay shut.

"That should keep those," Rick burped. "stormtroopers out of here for a while, Morty."

"Boy that's a relief Rick I was really starting to get wo-worried there for a minute."

"Don't worry about a thing, Morto I'll get us out of here faster than you can say wubbulubadubdub!"

Rick turned around, walked towards the levers and starting pulling them down one by one. They made a humming noise as the tractor beam lost power.

Morty started rubbing the back of his head nervously. "Say Rick those Stormtrooper guys almost got us, huh? I-if only we had, I-I don't know, a jedi with us somethin', you know? That would really show those guys whose, uh, whose got the right stuff, huh."

"Really Morty, a Jedi? What are they gonna do meditate these guys to death?" Rick said, taking a swig of his flask.

"They're some of the strongest warriors in the movies Rick, they ha-have the force-"

Rick finished pulling the levers and walked back to the bridge to look Morty face to face.

"Oh wow, Morty, 'The Force' look when I need someone to pass me the butter with their fancy little floaty powers I'll call a Jedi, until then I'll leave all combat situations to my sweet, little portal gun here," he said rubbing his gun lovingly.

Just then the doors opened and stormtroopers charged into the room.

"Oh God, Rick! We gotta get out of here!" Morty screamed.

"Calm down, Morty. Just watch the master at work."

Rick fires the portal gun on the floor in front of the stormtroopers. A gigantic, hairy humanoid, with large white tusks and a trunk climbed out of the portal and charged the storm troopers.

Rick and Morty turned around and ran down another spacious metal hallway. They needed to get to the elevator to get to the floor, where Rick's ship was being held.

"W-wow Rick. What was that thing?"

"A mammoth-man Morty. I thought that would have been pretty obvious. I mean, what did you think it was a lizard?"

Rick and Morty got to the elevator, and Rick started fiddling with its electronics to make it open.

"Well, Rick that may be cool and everything, but the force connects all living things. I'm sure that's got to give them some crazy powers, li-like that super focus th-thing they have."

"Yeah, maybe that's how things work in this dimension, Morty, but you take any one of those chumps to our world and they won't have enough floaty magic to rub their balls together."

Rick pulled out some wires, and the elevator doors opened up. Rick and Morty stepped inside.

"Oh yeah, Rick? How about light sabers then, huh?"

"What about them Morty?"

Rick pressed a button, and the elevator started rising.

"Well they can cut through anything, they deflect laser blasts, they're pretty dang impressive Rick you got to admit that."

"The only thing I got to admit, Morty, is that you have no idea what you're talking about. I mean cut through anything? My spaceship can damn near crash through anything. Do you remember that, Morty? Do you remember how you crashed through solid steel to save Fart from prison, and didn't get a scratch on my saucer? And you know what else, Morty, are you forgetting that I'm smart enough to hack my way through anything. Just look at this elevator, Morty, how would a light saber have made this elevator get us anywhere, huh?"

Morty folded his arms in defiance. "That's what they have R2-D2 for, Rick."

"Yeah you know the difference between me and your little," Rick burped, "Jedi pals, Morty, I don't need a freaking robot to solve my problems for me. And even if I did I could just make one. I mean what do they do when R2-D2 isn't there? Just stand around hoping a storm trooper will hand them the keys to an escape pod? You're living in a fantasy land Morty."

The elevator doors opened and the duo ran past a sign pointing towards the flight deck.

"I may be living in a fantasy land, Rick, but at least I'm not hating everything. I mean you don't even like Star Wars. That's pretty, uh, messed up, Rick. You need some joy in your life."

They reached the hangar and saw Rick's flying saucer surrounded by storm troopers, with the front of the saucer facing the inside of the Death Star. They hid behind some crates near the entrance, and start slowly inching their way to Rick's ship.

"You know what I really need Morty? Some peace and quiet, so how about you keep your mouth shut and let me figure out how were going to get past all of those guys."

"Why don't we just dress up like stormtroopers and walk past them, like in the movies."

"And how are we going to do that? Do you think stormtrooper armor just falls out of the sky? What, are two stormtroopers with the exact same armor sizes as us just going to walk on by, completely out of the view of every other soldier in this place, giving us the perfect opportunity to knock them out, steal their armor, and fly my ship out of here?"

Just then two stormtroopers that were the exact heights of Rick and Morty walked by the crates out of the view of every other guard, giving Rick and Morty the perfect opportunity to knock them out, steal their clothes and hop onto Rick's ship.

Morty gave a very satisfied smile.

"Smug little bitch," Rick mumbled under his breath.

Rick and Morty tackle the stormtroopers, knock their heads on a crate, and drag them back to their hiding spot. They took the helmets off of the stormtroopers to reveal themselves. A rick duplicate, and a Morty duplicate were in the stormtrooper armor.

Morty's mouth drooped and he got a concerned look on his face. "Uh, Rick."

"Don't question it, Morty. They were probably exploring this crap dimension just like we were and got screwed just like we did. Be glad that this is happening to them and not us. Now shut up and put on your armor."

They both shut up and put on their armor.

"It's smooth sailing now, Morty. Just pretend like we have to investigate our ship and everything will be just fine."

They strolled on over to the ship, and opened the glass doors. They were about to get inside when a trooper noticed them.

"Hey! What are you two doing with that?" The female stormtrooper said.

"Uhh," Rick started.

Morty spoke up. "We need some parts for a broken TIE-fighter, so they told us to scavenge this ship for them."

"What parts do you need from that hunk of junk that you can't find anywhere else?" She asked.

"This ship has a very unique battery," Rick said. "The brainiacs in research and development were hoping to use it for some experiments. See how to make their own."

She stepped down. "Okay, then just be careful not to break anything."

"Will do," Rick said before mumbling under his breath. "Stupid brainwashed soldier trying to insult my machine. I made this out of crap in my daughters garage, what have you ever made you no free will having, bullshit automaton."

Rick pressed buttons on his ships control panel, trying to get it to work.

"Whatever you say, Han." Morty

"What are you crapping out of your mouth now, Morty?"

"I'm just saying that you're a lot like Han Solo."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"Come on, Rick. You get mad when people insult your ship, you hate lightsabers, you're a rebel asshole. You're just like him."

"You're so off base that it's hilarious Morty. First of all, anyone would feel insulted by someone talking shit about a thing they made, but you wouldn't get that, since the only thing you've ever made is disappointment in your parents hearts. Secondly, lightsabers are dumb that's just fact. And thirdly, I'm not a rebel asshole. I feel no desire to fuck with any system I just do what I want and some people got a problem with that. That makes me way more awesome than some smuggler with a sasquatch for a fuck-buddy. You got that Morty?"

A loud beeping noise came out of the flying saucer and a red error message started flashing on the screen.

"Oh great." Rick grumbled.

"Wha-what's going on Rick?"

"They locked my ship up, Morty. This is going to take me a while to breakthrough. Just give me a minute."

The female stormtrooper looked back there way. "Is everything alright in there?"

"Yeah. Just uh routine flying saucer... stuff. Don't worry about it." Morty said, his voice cracking.

She shrugged and went back to work.

Just then a figure in a long, dark brown cloak holding a bright green blade jumped into the room and started attacking the stormtroopers. Their lightsaber cut through the empire's forces faster than you can say wubbalubadubdub!

"Oh great, Morty this is just what we need some punk playing hero right in the middle of our escape, well he better not get in my way when were flying this baby out of here." Rick said while casually hacking the lock on his flying saucer.

"Y-yeah, I really hope that doesn't ha-happen." Morty said while watching the jedi cut down stormtrooper after storm trooper. "Hey Ri-Rick I thought jedi's were supposed to be peaceful hippies, you know, so what's this guy doing?"

"I don't know Morty he might be an enforcer type meant to just kill kill kill baby! Or this is an alternate dimension, where jedis are more badass than in the movies."

The female stormtrooper turned towards Rick an Morty.

"Get out of there and help us!" She howled at them, before the Jedi cut off her head and stood there glaring in the direction she was facing. Glaring right at Rick and Morty.

"Uhh, Rick" Morty started.

Rick noticed the Jedi's ager filled gaze.

"Oh shiiiiit! We gotta get out of here, Morty!"

Rick moved his hands faster trying to hack through the lock as fast as he could, but the Jedi was faster. He jumped, and using the force, propelled himself onto their flying saucer. Rick hacked the lock. The Jedi raised their lightsaber. Rick shifted into reverse. The Jedi swung down. Rick hit the gas and backed out of there so fast the Jedi lost their balance and fell onto the hangar floor. The lightsaber grazed the saucer, but nothing serious was damaged.

Rick turned his ship the right way and shot out of there as fast as he could.

"Whoo, that was a close one huh Morty."

"Boy, you can say that again, Rick. I thought I was going to have a heart attack."

Rick took one hand off the wheel and placed it on the top of Morty's seat, giving a very satisfied smile.

"Hey, when you're as great as I *burp* am Morty you know everything will turn out fine."

The duo heard a clang from the back of the saucer and turned to see the Jedi grasping onto the ship, with their glowing green light saber being held in their mouth.

Rick and Morty screamed.

"Oh god What are we gonna do?!" Morty screamed at the same time Rick screamed: "Oh god were gonna die Morty, th-this guys crazy Morty, were gonna die!"

The Jedi turned his head and his light saber cut through their ship melting the metal and cutting a decent sized hole into it. The ship fell. Alarms went off. In space no one can hear the 'check engine' light scream.

Rick panicked and pressed a button on his ships control panel. A mechanical arm shot out of the front of his ship and shone a glowing blue light on the Jedi. The light hit him in a grid shaped pattern and a second later the Jedi was cut up into tiny square chunks that could be served as hor devours at a Gazorpazorp dinner party.

"Holy shit! What was that Rick? How did your ship just kill that guy?!" Morty screamed, while holding his head in his hands.

"That guy killed like fifty people in front of us, Morty, I'm pretty sure my murder of him was justified now calm down and let me work."

Rick looked for a place to fire his portal gun if he could get them through a portal he could get them home to fix his ship. He looked and looked, but there wasn't even an asteroid to be found. His portal gun worked best with a solid surface for the portal to hit, otherwise the blast from his gun would just float through space alongside them for eternity.

"A-are we gonna be okay, Rick," Morty said, his voice filled with fear.

"Goddammit Morty," Rick said. "If only we were on a planet, so my portal could at least hit the worlds atmosphere, connect to that and open up, but this is space, Morty, the-there's just nothing for it to hold onto out here."

"Wha-what are we gonna do Rick?"

"Just give me a second. I've got an idea."

Rick pressed a button on his control panel and a distress beacon was sent out.

"Now all we gotta do is wait," rick said before leaning back in his chair, swigging something from his flask and falling to sleep.

Morty's mouth drooped and his eyes filled with concern. He looked out upon space and wondered what it would be like to starve to death with the last sight you ever see be your drunken, old grandpa, who would probably be screaming racial epithets about some alien species you'd never even heard of.

While Rick was passed out an asteroid floated by, and Morty aimed the saucer towards it. It was slow going, considering how damged the ship was, but it eventually got right in front of the space rock, which is when Morty fired the space gun at it, flew the ship through it, and landed them in their garage.

Rick woke up with a start.

"Wha-what's going on, Morty, where are we?"

Morty sighed. "Were home, Rick. Can we go watch some Ball Fondlers now?"

Rick smiled, feeling proud of his grandson for bringing them home.

"Of course we can Morty, Of course we can."


End file.
